All in the timing

Patron (calls on a Thursday): Hello, I'd like seats to Sunday's performance, please.

Anastasia: Sure thing. Let me see what we have... It looks like we have about 15 seats left.

Patron: Oh...are any of them down close.

Anastasia: (Yes, of course. Everyone decided that being as far away from the stage as possible was awesome and left all of the front center seats for you sorry saps who call three days before the show. No, crazy lady, they're in the back of the house. What do you think?) No, ma'am, they're on the last two rows.

Patron: Oh, dear. That's so high.

Anastasia: (indeed). I understand.

Patron: Well, I guess I'll have to pass this time.

She really was sweet, but seriously?

On a side note, who the hell comes to a play without at least the smallest of inkling of what a production is about?? And what hole does one have to live in to not realize that a show like Cabaret is...dare I say...risque and suggestive? So we had complaints at intermission tonight. I'm sorry, but aside from the love story between Sally and Cliff and the elderly couple, the show reflects the political spectrum of Germany immediately before the Nazis come to power. It's gonna be controversial. And it's called Cabaret...what did you think, a cabaret was a Disney cartoon??? Don't bitch at me because you didn't have the forethought to ask what you were buying. And by the way, get over it, ya big prude!

May be unsuitable for some audiences

This was a voicemail (amidst the 50+ we got today...show week...ugh!) that we got that had me rolling today! Seriously, some people.

Voicemail Patron: Uh, hello. I'm calling about your upcoming show of Cabernet (yes, I hear that goes well with a nice steak). Uh, I saw that you had a note on your ad that says "Some content may be unsuitable for some audiences," and I wanted to know what that means (it means that some content may be unsuitable for some audiences...what the fuck do you think it means?? It means nudity and language, you tard!) I wanted to know because I came to your last production and it had "gay themes," and if that's what this is I don't want to see it. *click*

Anastasia: Ok, idiot...no name, no number, and by the way, I'm thinking Cabaret, as in the show, no N and not a wine, is going to be a little too risque for your virgin eyes and ears.

P.S. I mentioned this call to one of my employees (who was in the show), and he was visibly shocked: Gay content?? I was in the show!! There wasn't any gay content!!

P.P.S. That was not the only call I got for "cabernet" today.

A legend in their own mind

As background information, loyal readers know that I've not worked here for very long, and there are lots of employees here at the U, both faculty and staff.

Patron 1: I'd like tickets for the show next weekend.

Anastasia: Sure, what is your name please?

Patron 1 (looks confused): It's Mary Smith.*

Anastasia pulls up account and notices that Mary Smith is listed as faculty. She asks to make sure she has the right person since there is more than one listing.

Anastasia: Oh, are you faculty here?

Patron 1 (huffs): For 18 years now!

Anastasia: (well, bully for you, lady) Do you have your ID?

Patron 1 (sighs again, contemptuously): no

Anastasia decides it's not worth pushing the issue...but wishes professor would get over herself and realize that she's faculty, not famous.

Time passes

Patron 2: Yes, I'd like to pick up my tickets.

Anastasia: Sure, could I have your name please?

Patron 2: It's John Doe.*

Anastasia: OK, I don't see any tickets on hold for you. What event was this for?

Patron 2 (bemused): This weekend's concert.

Anastasia: And have you reserved tickets for this event ahead of time?

Patron 2: Well, I'm here to get my comps.

Anastasia (Your comps??? Sheesh! After Patron 1, I'd better ask...I see where this is going): Are you faculty/staff?

Patron 2 (looks indignant): Yes I am.

Anastasia: May I see your ID?

Patron 2: I guess. Let me find it.

Again, Anastasia ponders why the professors here feel like the world should know who they are...and rolls her eyes to herself.

*Names are changed to protect the snooty.

Information desk

So today they're having an open house/audition day at the U. Our box office is an open counter that looks out into the lobby of the conservatory, and the auditionees are so fucking loud and they're leaning on our counter! I could kill me some HS seniors, but especially their parents. We're a box office, not the information desk! And furthermore, we're a place of business trying to do business with people on the phone. Shut up!!

Walk up "patron" 1: Where do we get the vouchers for lunch?

Anastasia: I don't know. This is the box office...

Walk up patron huffs away...

Walk up "patron" 2: How do I get to Philadelphia from here?

Anastasia: (uh, drive? I don't know!!) I could mapquest it for you...let me get my laptop.

Walk up "patron" 3 is leaning on our counter talking loudly on her cell.

Anastasia: (step away from the counter, rude lady! Go annoy someone else!)

PS, I just stepped in gum one of those visitors spit out on the floor. Kill me now before I kill one of them.

Sold out

Anastasia: Thank you for calling. How may I help you?

Patron: Yes, I'd like a ticket to tonight's show.

Anastasia: I'm sorry, we're sold out for the show.

Patron: What? But it's free??

Anastasia: Yes ma'am, but we only have 500 seats, and we have given out all the tickets for this show.

Patron (indignant): You're kidding!! I just found out that you even need a ticket for the event last night when I read the paper! You need to tell them that they need to advertise that better!

Anastasia: Uh, yeah...it was in the paper...it said you need a ticket...do you want someone to send you an engraved invitation? Get a grip, lady.

Failure to communicate

Oh, geez, happy Monday. Nothing like getting a long winded patron with nothing to say. This woman went on and on about how she had two gift certificated that she wanted to use for tickets for our next production. She started reading me everything on the back of the gift certificate.

Patron: my gift certificate says: AM=$108 (ok, you can stop now, that is for our summer performances and can't be used for the upcoming production, but I can't get a word in edgewise!), GC 45, Patron number 12345....(and she's just going)

Anastasia: Yes, ma'am, but what does the front of the certificate say?

Patron: Gift certificate for two for X....

Anastasia: Ok, yes, that was the other certificate. What does the $108 one say on the front?

Patron: my gift certificate says: AM=$108 (yes, we've established this. I asked you to turn it over dingbat!), GC 45, Patron number 12345...

Anastasia: Yes, ma'am, but I need you to turn it over and read to me what the other side says.

Patron: Oh, it says gift certificate says: AM=$108, GC 45, Patron number 12345...(save me from stupidity!)

Anastasia: I understand, but what does the other side say?

Patron: Oh...uh...I think this is for...uh...something else...

Anastasia: Is it green or yellow?

Patron: It's yellow

Anastasia: Yes, ma'am, those are for our summer productions. You will have to use that for tickets for our summer performances.

Patron: Oh...um...it says it expires 8/3/08

Anastasia: Yes, that is for our summer productions (geez lady, do I have to do an interpretive dance?)

Patron: Oh, ok. Oh, that's good because blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah...................................... (Anastasia takes mini-nap while patron monologues)

Time passes. Order is finally completed.

Anastasia: OK, so your total will be $30. Will this be a Visa or Mastercard today?

Patron (pauses, presumably to collect her thought. It's a long pause): Do you take American Express?

Anastasia: No, dingbat, I just asked you if it would be a Visa or Mastercard... No, we take Visa or Mastercard.

Patron: Ok, hold on a second...


Augh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hippie love

While working one of those crunchy granola shows (Allman Brothers I think), I had a guy come up to the window who looked like he hadn't seen the inside of a shower in, oh, about a month. He was dressed like he had time-travelled from Woodstock '69 onto our doorstep. He wanted a lawn ticket for the show, which was $22.

Hippie: Hey man...howzit goin'?

Anastasia: Fine...and how are you today?

Hippie: Man, I am awesome, man. It's an awesome day, man.

Anastasia: (I have a line dude, what do you need?!) What can I get for you today?

Hippie: Oh man, I this show is gonna be so awesome, man. Are you goin'?

Anastasia: No, I don't think so (I can get my contact high elsewhere. Granola music is not my scene).

Hippie: Oh man, you gotta go! It's gonna be so awesome!

Anastasia: Yes, we've established that. Where would you like to sit?

Hippie: Oh, yeah! Um, lawn? How much is it (proceeds to pull out crumpled wad of ones)

Anastasia: It's $22.

Hippie: Ok...lemme see...1, 2, 3...(counts his mess of money)...oh man...I only have $19.50...can I get, like, a discount man?

Anastasia: No, I'm sorry. Our system is only set up to take exact amounts

Hippie: Aw man...anyone got a couple bucks I can have man?

Friendly patron: Sure dude, here $2

Friendly patron 2: I got $2 as well.

Hippie: Man, thanks man! You're cool dudes, man! Awesome!!

Anastasia: Here you go.

Hippie: Thanks man, you have an awesome day man!

Anastasia: You too, dude. ;-)


Hippies...they take care of one another...