Patron: I'm a lawyer and I am really pissed (great, lead your call off like that...good plan. Already I take you for someone with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement). I am calling to complain about your store X. I didn't get seats to the Rolling Stones* concert and I am pissed. I was at that damn store at 7 am and they said they do a random drawing thirty minutes before the onsale. I just think that is bullshit. If I am first in line I should be the first person to buy tickets!
Anastasia: Ma'am we have a Random Number Distribution procedure in place at all of our retail locations (and have for at least 10+ years). We do this so that you won't have to waste time getting to the store super early and also to protect the stores from unnecessary loitering and the potential problems that this can cause. 30 minutes prior to the onsale everyone takes a number. A random number is drawn from a hat and that person is first, and the rest fill in line behind them. For example, if 10 people are in line and I draw #7, people line up 7-10 and then 1-6. Latecomers file in behind them.
Patron: Well that is just bullshit. It sounds like a scam to me (really, which part? The part where the store doesn't have to put up with your loser ass for 8 hours prior to an onsale or the part where you can actually...I don't know...do something useful and not waste half your day in line?). I know the person at the front of the line was a damn scalper (hmm, psychic now too?) and when I got to the counter they were sold out. This is unacceptable!
Anastasia: I am sorry you feel that way. But that is our procedure. It keeps it fair for everyone.
Patron: This is ridiculous. I have half a mind to sue you people (knock yourself out lady...and while you're at it, get a life! It's flippin' tickets, not a new heart!). Now I have to go to a "broker" and buy tickets at 4 times the face value. *click*
Anastasia: OK lady, how do you think those "brokers" got their tickets? They got in line like you did. The difference is they paid 10 kids to stack the lines and get the best chance at being first in line. And you know why? So they can resell those tickets to overprivileged people like yourself who have more money than sense or decency. If you'd stop feeding the broker's demands by paying 4 times the face value, they'd stop buying them out from under you in the first place!
*Concert name has been changed because I can't remember which one it was
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Get it together, people!
Patron: Yeah, I couldn't come last night. I wanted to see if I could exchange last night's tickets for today's show.
Anastasia: No, I am afraid not. We do not allow refunds or exchanges. (Who the hell "misses" a show and comes the next day to see if they could exchange their tickets?? You wouldn't miss your flight and go to the airline counter and say "hi, I couldn't make my flight last night. Can I fly today instead?" Idiot!)
Patron: Are you sure? Is today sold out?
Anastasia: I am sure. We cannot exchange tickets for a past performance (so farking what if the performance isn't sold out. You bought tickets for last night's show. You didn't come. Sucks to be you.)
Time passes. Same show. Show starts at 2:30. It is now 2:32.
Patron 2 (hurries to the counter): I need a ticket for the show.
Anastasia: Sure, could I get your name please?
Patron 2: Why do you need my name? I just want a ticket. Hurry!
Anastasia: (Oh, so it's my fault you're late. This is a small town lady, and it's Sunday...didja hit traffic??) We need your name to sell the ticket. That is the way the system works.
Patron 2: Fine, my name is *Smith.
Anastasia: (See, was that so bad? Next time get your ass here on time) Here you are. Enjoy the show.
*names are changed to protect the tardy and inconsiderate
Anastasia: No, I am afraid not. We do not allow refunds or exchanges. (Who the hell "misses" a show and comes the next day to see if they could exchange their tickets?? You wouldn't miss your flight and go to the airline counter and say "hi, I couldn't make my flight last night. Can I fly today instead?" Idiot!)
Patron: Are you sure? Is today sold out?
Anastasia: I am sure. We cannot exchange tickets for a past performance (so farking what if the performance isn't sold out. You bought tickets for last night's show. You didn't come. Sucks to be you.)
Time passes. Same show. Show starts at 2:30. It is now 2:32.
Patron 2 (hurries to the counter): I need a ticket for the show.
Anastasia: Sure, could I get your name please?
Patron 2: Why do you need my name? I just want a ticket. Hurry!
Anastasia: (Oh, so it's my fault you're late. This is a small town lady, and it's Sunday...didja hit traffic??) We need your name to sell the ticket. That is the way the system works.
Patron 2: Fine, my name is *Smith.
Anastasia: (See, was that so bad? Next time get your ass here on time) Here you are. Enjoy the show.
*names are changed to protect the tardy and inconsiderate
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Friends in low places
Another gem from the inside window of the amphitheatre.
Anastasia: Yes, ma'am, how may I help you?
Annoyed Patron: Ugh, yes. The person sitting in front of me is wearing a huge cowboy hat and I can't see. Can you make him take it off?
Anastasia: (OK, freak, you're at a Brooks and Dunn concert. People wear cowboy hats...) I'm sorry ma'am, did you ask him to remove it?
AP: No...but it's really blocking my view (pouts).
Anastasia: (Grow a spine and talk to the guy. It's a freakin' country music concert. Most of the people here are wearing cowboy hats. Didn't you kind of figure...??) I'm sorry ma'am but we don't have any control over the apparel of the concert-goers. As long as he's not hurting anyone there is nothing we can do. You are welcome to talk to him, but we cannot make him remove his hat.
AP: Fine, I'll see if a security guard can help me. Thanks for nothing!!
Save me from the idiots, please!
Anastasia: Yes, ma'am, how may I help you?
Annoyed Patron: Ugh, yes. The person sitting in front of me is wearing a huge cowboy hat and I can't see. Can you make him take it off?
Anastasia: (OK, freak, you're at a Brooks and Dunn concert. People wear cowboy hats...) I'm sorry ma'am, did you ask him to remove it?
AP: No...but it's really blocking my view (pouts).
Anastasia: (Grow a spine and talk to the guy. It's a freakin' country music concert. Most of the people here are wearing cowboy hats. Didn't you kind of figure...??) I'm sorry ma'am but we don't have any control over the apparel of the concert-goers. As long as he's not hurting anyone there is nothing we can do. You are welcome to talk to him, but we cannot make him remove his hat.
AP: Fine, I'll see if a security guard can help me. Thanks for nothing!!
Save me from the idiots, please!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Breakin' the law
Anastasia: Thank you for calling. How may I help you?
Patron: Um, I missed the Rush concert last month and I was wondering if I could get a refund.
Anastasia: (No, you moron, you don't call a month later asking for a refund). I'm sorry, ma'am, but there is no way to get you a refund for this show. We don't refund for missing a performance.
Patron: But you have to understand what happened! (here we go) I was on my way to the show and I got pulled over by the cops for speeding. When they ran my license they found an outstanding warrant for a missed court appearance and took me to jail (oh my good word) and I had to stay overnight. See, it wasn't my fault I missed the show!
Anastasia: (Uh, yeah, it is your fault, you moron. If you know you have a checkered past, you don't speed and invite the cops to pull you over!) Well, I am sorry to hear that. But I am afraid there is nothing that we can do. The event has been closed out and the money has been settled with the artist.
Patron: Oh, well, ok, I just thought I'd check.
Patron: Um, I missed the Rush concert last month and I was wondering if I could get a refund.
Anastasia: (No, you moron, you don't call a month later asking for a refund). I'm sorry, ma'am, but there is no way to get you a refund for this show. We don't refund for missing a performance.
Patron: But you have to understand what happened! (here we go) I was on my way to the show and I got pulled over by the cops for speeding. When they ran my license they found an outstanding warrant for a missed court appearance and took me to jail (oh my good word) and I had to stay overnight. See, it wasn't my fault I missed the show!
Anastasia: (Uh, yeah, it is your fault, you moron. If you know you have a checkered past, you don't speed and invite the cops to pull you over!) Well, I am sorry to hear that. But I am afraid there is nothing that we can do. The event has been closed out and the money has been settled with the artist.
Patron: Oh, well, ok, I just thought I'd check.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Rock of Love, the early years
So once upon a time, I worked part time in an amphitheatre. I would work shows, and it was fun because it wasn't my regular job and if I smarted off to a patron, they usually didn't realize I was mocking them because they were drunk/high/stupid/all of the above, and if they did notice, the boss wouldn't have fired me and it wouldn't have been the end of the world if she did. One summer, I was working the Poison show...
Patron comes up to the back box office window (one that you can get to once your inside the park). She's petite, bleached, teased, sprayed, leopard clad...you get the gist. She has in tow her 14 year old daughter, who looks like she'd rather die than experience this concert with her mother (and would rather be at an Incubus show). Patron has a small lunch-sized paper bag in her hand.
Patron: Hi! I had a somewhat weird request. Um, I was wondering if I could have this delivered backstage to Brett Michaels. It's a bag of thongs and I wanted him to have them.
Anastasia: (oh, my, goodness...! Seriously?! Just...wow...wow...) I'm sorry ma'am, we don't have access to the backstage area (this is true, btw. Box office peons don't hang with rock stars despite semi-popular belief).
Patron (crestfallen): Oh....really?? Is there anyone there who does? See, because the last time Poison was in town was about 13 years ago and I was supposed to dance for them (oh hell, she was a stripper), but I was pregnant and I couldn't perform (oh good grief! How embarrassed her poor daughter must be right about now!!) and I wanted to give these to him with a note that I was the pregnant girl at the strip club he visited when they came the last time. (Please, no more!!)
Anastasia (managing to keep a straight face through this): Well, the only thing I could tell you is to see if a security guard would be able to take them back for you (and can I watch while you tell them this story?)
Patron: Great!!! I'll try to find one! (scampers off, miserable-looking daughter in tow)
And the entire box office busts out laughing uproariously!!!!
Patron comes up to the back box office window (one that you can get to once your inside the park). She's petite, bleached, teased, sprayed, leopard clad...you get the gist. She has in tow her 14 year old daughter, who looks like she'd rather die than experience this concert with her mother (and would rather be at an Incubus show). Patron has a small lunch-sized paper bag in her hand.
Patron: Hi! I had a somewhat weird request. Um, I was wondering if I could have this delivered backstage to Brett Michaels. It's a bag of thongs and I wanted him to have them.
Anastasia: (oh, my, goodness...! Seriously?! Just...wow...wow...) I'm sorry ma'am, we don't have access to the backstage area (this is true, btw. Box office peons don't hang with rock stars despite semi-popular belief).
Patron (crestfallen): Oh....really?? Is there anyone there who does? See, because the last time Poison was in town was about 13 years ago and I was supposed to dance for them (oh hell, she was a stripper), but I was pregnant and I couldn't perform (oh good grief! How embarrassed her poor daughter must be right about now!!) and I wanted to give these to him with a note that I was the pregnant girl at the strip club he visited when they came the last time. (Please, no more!!)
Anastasia (managing to keep a straight face through this): Well, the only thing I could tell you is to see if a security guard would be able to take them back for you (and can I watch while you tell them this story?)
Patron: Great!!! I'll try to find one! (scampers off, miserable-looking daughter in tow)
And the entire box office busts out laughing uproariously!!!!
You snooze you lose
Anastasia: Thank you for calling. How may I help you today?
Patron: Yes, I wanted to renew my tickets for the summer series. I'd like to keep my same seats.
Anasasia: We will certainly see what we can do. The renewal period ended a little over a month ago and all unrenewed seats were released at that time, but it is possible that your seats may still be available.
Patron: *big sigh* I threw my renewal form away. I didn't know that the renewal period was over (and this is my fault...how?). I really want my seats back.
Anastasia: I can understand that. However, those seats have been purchased by another patron. For the nights you would like to attend we have these seats that are a few rows back.
Patron: Well, that's just not good for me.
Anastasia: I'm sorry to hear that. However, that is the best we have available.
Patron: (huffs) Fine.
Anastasia: Don't you "fine" me, lady. Get over yourself. You had the opportunity to renew for 3 months. If you can't get your shit together and stay organized, then don't take it out on me because you effed up!! Grow up and get a grip.
Patron: Yes, I wanted to renew my tickets for the summer series. I'd like to keep my same seats.
Anasasia: We will certainly see what we can do. The renewal period ended a little over a month ago and all unrenewed seats were released at that time, but it is possible that your seats may still be available.
Patron: *big sigh* I threw my renewal form away. I didn't know that the renewal period was over (and this is my fault...how?). I really want my seats back.
Anastasia: I can understand that. However, those seats have been purchased by another patron. For the nights you would like to attend we have these seats that are a few rows back.
Patron: Well, that's just not good for me.
Anastasia: I'm sorry to hear that. However, that is the best we have available.
Patron: (huffs) Fine.
Anastasia: Don't you "fine" me, lady. Get over yourself. You had the opportunity to renew for 3 months. If you can't get your shit together and stay organized, then don't take it out on me because you effed up!! Grow up and get a grip.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Unrealistic expectations
Hot off the telephone, here's today's doozie! I was given this call after the lady tried to rip my little staffer a new one for no apparent cause.
Anastasia: yes, ma'am I understand you were looking for a subscription and seats in the front center section. How may I help you?
Patron (huffy): Yes, I've been a patron since God was a boy (etc.) and I want front row center! I've been trying to get these seats for years and there are always different people in these seats so I know they're not subscribers. I've been a subscriber forever and I WANT THESE SEATS!!
Anastasia: yes, ma'am I understand. However, these seats have been renewed this season by a subscriber. As you know, we have a flexible exchange policy that allows for our subscribers to exchange to different nights if a schedule conflict arises. That may account for the different patrons in those seats on the nights you attended.
Patron: This is ridiculous. I've wanted those seats for years. I asked you people to call me when those seats become available and no one ever does (yeah, let's make that our policy...we'll call every single patron who has "special" requests. We'd never get any work done because we'd spend all of our time calling our patron roster every time someone makes a change). You people don't respect my wishes and it's like talking to a brick wall.
Anastasia: I am sorry you feel this way. Both myself and the other manager are new to this position and we were not aware of your request (yeah lady, sorry our telepathy skills aren't what they should be). We had our renewal period and those seats have been purchased (and by the way, where the hell were you during this time?? Why wouldn't you have called then instead of 6 weeks after seats were released??) But these seats were sold to other patrons.
Patron (more huffing): I'm just never renewing again (I see a hand to the head right about now) *click*
Anastasia: Bitch!! I know you didn't just hang up on me. A blessing upon your house as well!!
Holy sheesh!!
Anastasia: yes, ma'am I understand you were looking for a subscription and seats in the front center section. How may I help you?
Patron (huffy): Yes, I've been a patron since God was a boy (etc.) and I want front row center! I've been trying to get these seats for years and there are always different people in these seats so I know they're not subscribers. I've been a subscriber forever and I WANT THESE SEATS!!
Anastasia: yes, ma'am I understand. However, these seats have been renewed this season by a subscriber. As you know, we have a flexible exchange policy that allows for our subscribers to exchange to different nights if a schedule conflict arises. That may account for the different patrons in those seats on the nights you attended.
Patron: This is ridiculous. I've wanted those seats for years. I asked you people to call me when those seats become available and no one ever does (yeah, let's make that our policy...we'll call every single patron who has "special" requests. We'd never get any work done because we'd spend all of our time calling our patron roster every time someone makes a change). You people don't respect my wishes and it's like talking to a brick wall.
Anastasia: I am sorry you feel this way. Both myself and the other manager are new to this position and we were not aware of your request (yeah lady, sorry our telepathy skills aren't what they should be). We had our renewal period and those seats have been purchased (and by the way, where the hell were you during this time?? Why wouldn't you have called then instead of 6 weeks after seats were released??) But these seats were sold to other patrons.
Patron (more huffing): I'm just never renewing again (I see a hand to the head right about now) *click*
Anastasia: Bitch!! I know you didn't just hang up on me. A blessing upon your house as well!!
Holy sheesh!!
Lost and Found
Anastasia: Thank you for calling ___. My name is Anastasia. How may I help you?
Patron (sounding very sheepish): Yes I was at your performance this past Friday and I lost...well...I lost some money. I was wondering if anyone turned in a large sum of money.
Anastasia: No, ma'am, I'm sorry, nothing has been turned in yet. How large a sum of money was it?
Patron: Well...it was quite a lot...about a thousand dollars. (holy shit lady!) I had it in a roll with a rubber band around it and tucked into my purse. There were about seven $100 bills and some other bills. I had been saving it for some time.
Anastasia: (to self) Are you out of your freaking mind!?!?!?!?! Who the hell carries around $1000 IN CASH rolled up ghetto-style with a rubber band!? Are you some kind of crack dealer? Ever heard of a bank?? (to patron) Well, nothing has been turned in but I'll take your number and check with the front of house manager. If anything is turned in I will give you a call.
Patron: OK, but if you get my machine please don't say you found money. Just ask for me and ask me to call back. I don't want my husband to know I lost this money.
Uh, yeah...what would you do if you found that kind of coin? Me, I'd turn it in, but I believe in karma coming back to bite me in the ass, and it's the right thing to do. I can't vouch for others.
Patron (sounding very sheepish): Yes I was at your performance this past Friday and I lost...well...I lost some money. I was wondering if anyone turned in a large sum of money.
Anastasia: No, ma'am, I'm sorry, nothing has been turned in yet. How large a sum of money was it?
Patron: Well...it was quite a lot...about a thousand dollars. (holy shit lady!) I had it in a roll with a rubber band around it and tucked into my purse. There were about seven $100 bills and some other bills. I had been saving it for some time.
Anastasia: (to self) Are you out of your freaking mind!?!?!?!?! Who the hell carries around $1000 IN CASH rolled up ghetto-style with a rubber band!? Are you some kind of crack dealer? Ever heard of a bank?? (to patron) Well, nothing has been turned in but I'll take your number and check with the front of house manager. If anything is turned in I will give you a call.
Patron: OK, but if you get my machine please don't say you found money. Just ask for me and ask me to call back. I don't want my husband to know I lost this money.
Uh, yeah...what would you do if you found that kind of coin? Me, I'd turn it in, but I believe in karma coming back to bite me in the ass, and it's the right thing to do. I can't vouch for others.
Scenes from my predecessor
We'll call my predecessor Jelly. She really had this happen to her. She told me the story herself.
Patron 1 storms into box office (note to self: always lock box office door, esp. during a show). Patron 1 gets in Jelly's face and is rip roaring mad.
Patron 1: This is preposterous. The man next to me is being loud and inconsiderate. He's laughing at the most serious point of the performance! I can't believe you let this person in here!
Jelly: I'm so sorry, sir, but there's nothing I can do about it. (Long story short) this patron has Tourettes and it makes him emote the opposite emotion at the time. He cannot help it.
Patron 1: Well, I am a doctor in this town and this is just unacceptable. I want him moved away from my seats for the rest of the season!
Jelly (to herself): What a jackass. You'd think a doctor would be more understanding. You sir, are a dick. Be gone, before someone drops a house on you as well!
Patron 1 storms into box office (note to self: always lock box office door, esp. during a show). Patron 1 gets in Jelly's face and is rip roaring mad.
Patron 1: This is preposterous. The man next to me is being loud and inconsiderate. He's laughing at the most serious point of the performance! I can't believe you let this person in here!
Jelly: I'm so sorry, sir, but there's nothing I can do about it. (Long story short) this patron has Tourettes and it makes him emote the opposite emotion at the time. He cannot help it.
Patron 1: Well, I am a doctor in this town and this is just unacceptable. I want him moved away from my seats for the rest of the season!
Jelly (to herself): What a jackass. You'd think a doctor would be more understanding. You sir, are a dick. Be gone, before someone drops a house on you as well!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Telepathy
This one is from over the weekend. We had a musical revue program. The last row in our house is W.
Anastasia: Hello, how many tickets would you like for today?
Little old lady (aka LOL): Yes, I'd like two seats in row K please (this is the center-most row)
Anastasia: Oh, well, we're really full for today's show. The first place I have two together is in row U.
LOL: Oh, that will never do. I can't climb those stairs. The person I spoke with on the phone said that I could buy tickets today and that there were plenty available.
Anastasia: Well, yes ma'am, we have 100+ seats remaining.
LOL: But that's too high. If I'd known they were that high I would have bought them earlier when they were lower
Anastasia: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize we needed to read your mind when you called. When you asked if we'd have seats available at the door, we said we would. We should have psychically read your mind and known that you wanted seats 9 rows closer (which BTW sold out weeks ago). We'll go back to mind reading school right after the show. Buh bye now.
Anastasia: Hello, how many tickets would you like for today?
Little old lady (aka LOL): Yes, I'd like two seats in row K please (this is the center-most row)
Anastasia: Oh, well, we're really full for today's show. The first place I have two together is in row U.
LOL: Oh, that will never do. I can't climb those stairs. The person I spoke with on the phone said that I could buy tickets today and that there were plenty available.
Anastasia: Well, yes ma'am, we have 100+ seats remaining.
LOL: But that's too high. If I'd known they were that high I would have bought them earlier when they were lower
Anastasia: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize we needed to read your mind when you called. When you asked if we'd have seats available at the door, we said we would. We should have psychically read your mind and known that you wanted seats 9 rows closer (which BTW sold out weeks ago). We'll go back to mind reading school right after the show. Buh bye now.
Introduction
After much encouragement from others, I have started a new blog to share some of the absurd instances that have occurred while dealing with customers in the ticketing industry and my internal reactions to the situations. Some are mean, some are sad, some are just stupid, but overall, they are damn funny! I'm not going to post them all at once, so check back frequently for both new and historic tales from ticketing hell. Enjoy!
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