Our job is to mess with your head

This one never fails to crack me up.

Patron: Could I get four tickets for the show tonight?

Anastasia: Sure thing. The best seats I have are in row J, seats 5, 7, 9, and 11.

Patron (confused): Oh...are those together?

Anastasia: (No, I am putting a random stranger between you and each member of your party. What the heck do you you think? If all we had left were seats that weren't together, I would have told you!!!) Yes, sir, they are odd numbered seats on the left.

Patron: Oh, gee, that's kind of confusing.

Anastasia: (Not really. They're odd numbered seats. The numbers are odd numbers, like 5, 7, 9, and 11. Odds. Evens. Ever heard of it?) I understand. But they are together.

Patron: Are you sure?

Anastasia: (nope, let me check my Odd and Even Numbers for Idiots guidebook) Yes, I am sure.

Patron: Well, if you're certain. I guess we'll take those.

Anastasia: Very well.

Sometimes, a simple no is sufficient

I walked into this one, so I am partially to blame. This guy gave me the heebies over the phone!!

Anastasia: Thank you for calling the box office, my name is Anastasia. How may I help you.

Patron: I'd like to get a ticket to tonight's dance concert.

Me: Sure thing. Are you sure you wouldn't like more than one (I ask jokingly...dance concerts never sell well)?

Patron: Well, no, I'm a single guy looking for something to do tonight. I don't have a date. I got a part time job, and I'm looking for someone I can spend time with. I've got some prospects, but you know, I'm just looking around.........Can you put a good one on hold where I won't be a bother to anyone?

Me: Um...ok. Well, we don't put seats on hold without payment, but there are plenty of seats available for this show if you wanted to purchase one at the door.

Patron: Oh, well I was going to come down there in a little while. I'm just a single guy and I was going to take the 10:35 bus and that will get me there at 11:25, so I can just come in then and get a tickets. I was going to go over to Perkins to get some pancakes, and then I was going to walk over the...what is that street called...Central...Centerville....oh Central Parkway...yeah, that street. I was going to walk over from the Perkins after I have pancakes and come across Central Parkway and get my ticket then. I'm just a single guy, clean cut, and I'm looking for someone to date, but right now I'm just single and I'm still looking for someone to share my life with.

Me: (holy TMI batman!) Sure, that would be fine.

Patron: Yes, then after I come across Central Parkway and get my ticket I was going to go to Wal-Mart because then I need to get some things from there and then I will have some lunch at the McDonalds before I go back home. Tonight I'll take the 6:45 bus back to the theatre, I'm just a single guy and I'll be coming alone, so that I will be there at 7:35. What time do the doors open?

Me: Well, we'll open the door at 7:30 (please stop talking).

Patron: Oh, well that's great. Man, I used to remember when I would go over to the State University and watch the football games. One time I saw Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons. Oh man, they were great! I used to go watch Franki Valli sing and he's just fantastic. I remember Frankie Valli was wearing a green blazer and I would go over to the University to see them play. I wish I had had someone to go to the Frankie Valli concert. That would have been great. I'm just a single guy and trying to meet people.

Me: (oh crap, please go away). Um...Ok, we'll just come in to get your ticket when you get here.

Patron: Oh that's great. I'll come over after I get there on the 10:35 bus and after I go to the Perkins to have my pancakes....I'll walk over there across that Central Parkway. Thanks for your help and I'll see you when I get there after I take the bus at 10:35....

Me: (Oh, my God. Save me!) Ok, thank you.

The mystique of the bell

The sign on our counter reads "Ring Bell for Service," and there is a bell right in front of it. Simple concept, right? Apparently not. People will stand there, bell directly in front of them, and squeak out "Excuse me? Excuse me?" in a barely audible whisper. Excuse you for being thick, I guess. Ring the damn bell!

Then there are those people who will stand behind the other half of the counter (where there is a solid wall between the inner office and the outer counter) and clear their throat...I can't see you, genius, and if we're busy, I sure can't hear your "ahem ahems." Ring the damn bell!

But by far the worst offenders are the ones who stand there, read the sign, and proceed to make bell sounds with their voices. Uh...ring the bell, don't become the bell!!

And by the way, for those of you who can follow instructions, one ring is sufficient. Multiple rings just renders you a jackass in my book. PING! One ring! It's the genius of the bell!

P.S. Image is from www.nataliedee.com Enjoy her humor and read her panels!!

Public Service Announcement

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please?? Here's a bit of information that you may find useful.

We are open Monday-Friday, 10am until 6pm. For those of you who are bad at math, this means we have 8 hours to serve you, and 5 days worth of those 8 hours. Add it all up and we are here to serve you for 40 hours during any given regular week.

Now, all that being said, it is not necessary to call/come to our counter between 10 am and noon only. This is especially true on Mondays. Trust me...we're here in the afternoons, too. In fact, we're generally not that busy in the afternoons. Try us then. Also, don't get pissy with us when we can't take your phone call right away...we're busy! It happens! We'll call you back if you leave a message.

Get it? Got it? Good!

Rules apply to everyone!

We had a customer yesterday who tried to exchange his single tickets for another performance. Our policies only allow for exchanged on subscription packages. Apparently, trying to exchange single tickets is a common occurrence with this guy. Read on

Patron: Yes, I have tickets for the 7/20 performance and I need to exchange them to another date.

Anastasia: May I have your name please (why is it that people just call up and lay into their situation before even telling you who they are!?)?

Patron: Jack Ash*

Anastasia: Ok Mr. Ash, I see that you have only purchased tickets for this one event. Unfortunately, we don't allow exchanges on single tickets, only on subscription tickets.

Patron: What!!! No one told me this!! This is the first time I've heard this. Have you changed your policy? You need to tell people when you do this.

Anastasia: No sir, this has been our policy from the beginning. We only allow exchanges on subscription package tickets. That is the benefit of being a subscriber.

Patron: This is just crazy. I cannot accept this. Is there someone there who is over you that I can speak with?

Anastasia: I am the manager, sir.

Patron: And you condone these policies?? They're not "customer friendly," you know.

Anastasia: I am sorry you feel that way (jackass), but these are our policies and every one of our student workers is trained to relay these policies to all of our patrons.

Patron: What is your name?

Anastasia: My name is Anastasia. (What are you going to do, report me? Please. Who do you think set these policies...not me! They came from above!).

Patron (sarcastically): Thank you very much. *click*

Sooooo....I go to the comments screen to see what others have said about this man, and to add my own warning (should he get the clever idea to dispute the charge. And sidebar--that is a petty, childish way to get your way. You made a mistake--own it. Only children throw temper tantrums and get away with it). Here is what I found from LAST summer and the previous manager.

07-06-07 - tickets for XXX on BOH for pick up - paid VISA - 7/20 - 8pm - G 10-12 - quoted no refunds no exchanges--J


Oh ho ho, Mr. Ash! Methinks you're a petty liar!! Grow a conscience, weenieman! I added my own comments:

3/11/08 Patron called to try to make an exchange. Clearly, as per J's comment 7/6/07, patron has been informed that there are no refunds and no exchanges on single ticket purchases. Either he has a faulty memory or chooses not to acknowledge this policy, because he reamed me out for not allowing him to make an exchange. I explained, yet again, that we do not allow refunds or exchanges for single ticket purchase. He was a pissy bugger. Somehow, I imagine he'll be back again next year with the same song and dance.

*name has been changed. Get it? GET IT?? ;-)

What a Jack Ash

How may I help you? Yes you, caller.

Anastasia: Thank you for calling the box office. My name is Anastasia. How may I help you?

Patron: Yes, I wanted to speak with someone in the box office about getting a subscription.

Anastasia: Sure thing.

Patron: I wanted to talk to someone about pricing and seating options.

Anastasia: Yes, may I help you?

Patron: OH!! That's you!!

Anastasia: (yes, genius, that's me. Hence the greeting I gave when I answered the phone!) Yes it is.

Patron: Great! Oh, a live person!!

Anastasia: (as opposed to the last time you called, when you got our house robot ICRU (Idiot Customer Response Unit). Yeesh.)

Planning

The sign out front on our sales counter reads: "Today's matinee performance of Cabaret is SOLD OUT!"

Patron 1: Is today's performance sold out?

Anastasia: (no, you moron, we don't want anyone to come so we've said it's sold out to keep paying customers away!) Yes, it is sold out.

Patron 1: OK, thank you.

*time passes*

Patron 2: Is today's performance sold out?

Anastasia: (Does anyone know how to read anymore?) Yes, it is sold out.

Patron 2: OK, thank you.

This went on all afternoon...the sign could blink and people would still ask.



For today's performance, we took a waiting list. We have a few seats held for "in case of emergency" situations like broken chairs, mobility issues, etc. that we release 15 minutes prior to show time along with any returned seats we get from patrons. After we sold the emergency seats, people kept hanging out. I spoke up to let them know we'd given out our last seats and there were no more. The show was about to start.

Patron 1: Is there a time where you will give up the unclaimed will call seats?

Anastasia: No, sir, we cannot do that. Those seats are paid for already and in effect those patrons own those seats.

Patron 1 huffs like an impatient child.

(Hey buddy, how would you like it if those were your seats and you were stuck in traffic but we gave them up because you weren't here?? Get over it!)

Patron 2 (annoyed and twitchy): I didn't know you had to buy your seats ahead of time. I thought you could just walk up and get them.

Anastasia: Usually we have seats available for our shows, but this one sold out.

Patron 2: Well, you should advertise that better. I didn't know you had to purchase ahead of time. And I didn't know that it was assigned seating.

Anastasia: (well, now you know. Don't take it out on me because you're not prepared. Plays sell out all the time. It's a fact of life!) Yes, all of our shows are reserved seating.

Patron 2 huffs out of the lobby.

Plan ahead people!!! Plan ahead! And don't shoot the messenger!

All in the timing

Patron (calls on a Thursday): Hello, I'd like seats to Sunday's performance, please.

Anastasia: Sure thing. Let me see what we have... It looks like we have about 15 seats left.

Patron: Oh...are any of them down close.

Anastasia: (Yes, of course. Everyone decided that being as far away from the stage as possible was awesome and left all of the front center seats for you sorry saps who call three days before the show. No, crazy lady, they're in the back of the house. What do you think?) No, ma'am, they're on the last two rows.

Patron: Oh, dear. That's so high.

Anastasia: (indeed). I understand.

Patron: Well, I guess I'll have to pass this time.

She really was sweet, but seriously?

On a side note, who the hell comes to a play without at least the smallest of inkling of what a production is about?? And what hole does one have to live in to not realize that a show like Cabaret is...dare I say...risque and suggestive? So we had complaints at intermission tonight. I'm sorry, but aside from the love story between Sally and Cliff and the elderly couple, the show reflects the political spectrum of Germany immediately before the Nazis come to power. It's gonna be controversial. And it's called Cabaret...what did you think, a cabaret was a Disney cartoon??? Don't bitch at me because you didn't have the forethought to ask what you were buying. And by the way, get over it, ya big prude!

May be unsuitable for some audiences

This was a voicemail (amidst the 50+ we got today...show week...ugh!) that we got that had me rolling today! Seriously, some people.

Voicemail Patron: Uh, hello. I'm calling about your upcoming show of Cabernet (yes, I hear that goes well with a nice steak). Uh, I saw that you had a note on your ad that says "Some content may be unsuitable for some audiences," and I wanted to know what that means (it means that some content may be unsuitable for some audiences...what the fuck do you think it means?? It means nudity and language, you tard!) I wanted to know because I came to your last production and it had "gay themes," and if that's what this is I don't want to see it. *click*

Anastasia: Ok, idiot...no name, no number, and by the way, I'm thinking Cabaret, as in the show, no N and not a wine, is going to be a little too risque for your virgin eyes and ears.

P.S. I mentioned this call to one of my employees (who was in the show), and he was visibly shocked: Gay content?? I was in the show!! There wasn't any gay content!!

P.P.S. That was not the only call I got for "cabernet" today.

A legend in their own mind

As background information, loyal readers know that I've not worked here for very long, and there are lots of employees here at the U, both faculty and staff.

Patron 1: I'd like tickets for the show next weekend.

Anastasia: Sure, what is your name please?

Patron 1 (looks confused): It's Mary Smith.*

Anastasia pulls up account and notices that Mary Smith is listed as faculty. She asks to make sure she has the right person since there is more than one listing.

Anastasia: Oh, are you faculty here?

Patron 1 (huffs): For 18 years now!

Anastasia: (well, bully for you, lady) Do you have your ID?

Patron 1 (sighs again, contemptuously): no

Anastasia decides it's not worth pushing the issue...but wishes professor would get over herself and realize that she's faculty, not famous.

Time passes

Patron 2: Yes, I'd like to pick up my tickets.

Anastasia: Sure, could I have your name please?

Patron 2: It's John Doe.*

Anastasia: OK, I don't see any tickets on hold for you. What event was this for?

Patron 2 (bemused): This weekend's concert.

Anastasia: And have you reserved tickets for this event ahead of time?

Patron 2: Well, I'm here to get my comps.

Anastasia (Your comps??? Sheesh! After Patron 1, I'd better ask...I see where this is going): Are you faculty/staff?

Patron 2 (looks indignant): Yes I am.

Anastasia: May I see your ID?

Patron 2: I guess. Let me find it.

Again, Anastasia ponders why the professors here feel like the world should know who they are...and rolls her eyes to herself.

*Names are changed to protect the snooty.

Information desk

So today they're having an open house/audition day at the U. Our box office is an open counter that looks out into the lobby of the conservatory, and the auditionees are so fucking loud and they're leaning on our counter! I could kill me some HS seniors, but especially their parents. We're a box office, not the information desk! And furthermore, we're a place of business trying to do business with people on the phone. Shut up!!

Walk up "patron" 1: Where do we get the vouchers for lunch?

Anastasia: I don't know. This is the box office...

Walk up patron huffs away...

Walk up "patron" 2: How do I get to Philadelphia from here?

Anastasia: (uh, drive? I don't know!!) I could mapquest it for you...let me get my laptop.

Walk up "patron" 3 is leaning on our counter talking loudly on her cell.

Anastasia: (step away from the counter, rude lady! Go annoy someone else!)

PS, I just stepped in gum one of those visitors spit out on the floor. Kill me now before I kill one of them.

Sold out

Anastasia: Thank you for calling. How may I help you?

Patron: Yes, I'd like a ticket to tonight's show.

Anastasia: I'm sorry, we're sold out for the show.

Patron: What? But it's free??

Anastasia: Yes ma'am, but we only have 500 seats, and we have given out all the tickets for this show.

Patron (indignant): You're kidding!! I just found out that you even need a ticket for the event last night when I read the paper! You need to tell them that they need to advertise that better!

Anastasia: Uh, yeah...it was in the paper...it said you need a ticket...do you want someone to send you an engraved invitation? Get a grip, lady.

Failure to communicate

Oh, geez, happy Monday. Nothing like getting a long winded patron with nothing to say. This woman went on and on about how she had two gift certificated that she wanted to use for tickets for our next production. She started reading me everything on the back of the gift certificate.

Patron: my gift certificate says: AM=$108 (ok, you can stop now, that is for our summer performances and can't be used for the upcoming production, but I can't get a word in edgewise!), GC 45, Patron number 12345....(and she's just going)

Anastasia: Yes, ma'am, but what does the front of the certificate say?

Patron: Gift certificate for two for X....

Anastasia: Ok, yes, that was the other certificate. What does the $108 one say on the front?

Patron: my gift certificate says: AM=$108 (yes, we've established this. I asked you to turn it over dingbat!), GC 45, Patron number 12345...

Anastasia: Yes, ma'am, but I need you to turn it over and read to me what the other side says.

Patron: Oh, it says gift certificate says: AM=$108, GC 45, Patron number 12345...(save me from stupidity!)

Anastasia: I understand, but what does the other side say?

Patron: Oh...uh...I think this is for...uh...something else...

Anastasia: Is it green or yellow?

Patron: It's yellow

Anastasia: Yes, ma'am, those are for our summer productions. You will have to use that for tickets for our summer performances.

Patron: Oh...um...it says it expires 8/3/08

Anastasia: Yes, that is for our summer productions (geez lady, do I have to do an interpretive dance?)

Patron: Oh, ok. Oh, that's good because blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah...................................... (Anastasia takes mini-nap while patron monologues)

Time passes. Order is finally completed.

Anastasia: OK, so your total will be $30. Will this be a Visa or Mastercard today?

Patron (pauses, presumably to collect her thought. It's a long pause): Do you take American Express?

Anastasia: No, dingbat, I just asked you if it would be a Visa or Mastercard... No, we take Visa or Mastercard.

Patron: Ok, hold on a second...


Augh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hippie love

While working one of those crunchy granola shows (Allman Brothers I think), I had a guy come up to the window who looked like he hadn't seen the inside of a shower in, oh, about a month. He was dressed like he had time-travelled from Woodstock '69 onto our doorstep. He wanted a lawn ticket for the show, which was $22.

Hippie: Hey man...howzit goin'?

Anastasia: Fine...and how are you today?

Hippie: Man, I am awesome, man. It's an awesome day, man.

Anastasia: (I have a line dude, what do you need?!) What can I get for you today?

Hippie: Oh man, I this show is gonna be so awesome, man. Are you goin'?

Anastasia: No, I don't think so (I can get my contact high elsewhere. Granola music is not my scene).

Hippie: Oh man, you gotta go! It's gonna be so awesome!

Anastasia: Yes, we've established that. Where would you like to sit?

Hippie: Oh, yeah! Um, lawn? How much is it (proceeds to pull out crumpled wad of ones)

Anastasia: It's $22.

Hippie: Ok...lemme see...1, 2, 3...(counts his mess of money)...oh man...I only have $19.50...can I get, like, a discount man?

Anastasia: No, I'm sorry. Our system is only set up to take exact amounts

Hippie: Aw man...anyone got a couple bucks I can have man?

Friendly patron: Sure dude, here $2

Friendly patron 2: I got $2 as well.

Hippie: Man, thanks man! You're cool dudes, man! Awesome!!

Anastasia: Here you go.

Hippie: Thanks man, you have an awesome day man!

Anastasia: You too, dude. ;-)


Hippies...they take care of one another...

Litigiousness

Patron: I'm a lawyer and I am really pissed (great, lead your call off like that...good plan. Already I take you for someone with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement). I am calling to complain about your store X. I didn't get seats to the Rolling Stones* concert and I am pissed. I was at that damn store at 7 am and they said they do a random drawing thirty minutes before the onsale. I just think that is bullshit. If I am first in line I should be the first person to buy tickets!

Anastasia: Ma'am we have a Random Number Distribution procedure in place at all of our retail locations (and have for at least 10+ years). We do this so that you won't have to waste time getting to the store super early and also to protect the stores from unnecessary loitering and the potential problems that this can cause. 30 minutes prior to the onsale everyone takes a number. A random number is drawn from a hat and that person is first, and the rest fill in line behind them. For example, if 10 people are in line and I draw #7, people line up 7-10 and then 1-6. Latecomers file in behind them.

Patron: Well that is just bullshit. It sounds like a scam to me (really, which part? The part where the store doesn't have to put up with your loser ass for 8 hours prior to an onsale or the part where you can actually...I don't know...do something useful and not waste half your day in line?). I know the person at the front of the line was a damn scalper (hmm, psychic now too?) and when I got to the counter they were sold out. This is unacceptable!

Anastasia: I am sorry you feel that way. But that is our procedure. It keeps it fair for everyone.

Patron: This is ridiculous. I have half a mind to sue you people (knock yourself out lady...and while you're at it, get a life! It's flippin' tickets, not a new heart!). Now I have to go to a "broker" and buy tickets at 4 times the face value. *click*

Anastasia: OK lady, how do you think those "brokers" got their tickets? They got in line like you did. The difference is they paid 10 kids to stack the lines and get the best chance at being first in line. And you know why? So they can resell those tickets to overprivileged people like yourself who have more money than sense or decency. If you'd stop feeding the broker's demands by paying 4 times the face value, they'd stop buying them out from under you in the first place!

*Concert name has been changed because I can't remember which one it was

Get it together, people!

Patron: Yeah, I couldn't come last night. I wanted to see if I could exchange last night's tickets for today's show.

Anastasia: No, I am afraid not. We do not allow refunds or exchanges. (Who the hell "misses" a show and comes the next day to see if they could exchange their tickets?? You wouldn't miss your flight and go to the airline counter and say "hi, I couldn't make my flight last night. Can I fly today instead?" Idiot!)

Patron: Are you sure? Is today sold out?

Anastasia: I am sure. We cannot exchange tickets for a past performance (so farking what if the performance isn't sold out. You bought tickets for last night's show. You didn't come. Sucks to be you.)

Time passes. Same show. Show starts at 2:30. It is now 2:32.

Patron 2 (hurries to the counter): I need a ticket for the show.

Anastasia: Sure, could I get your name please?

Patron 2: Why do you need my name? I just want a ticket. Hurry!

Anastasia: (Oh, so it's my fault you're late. This is a small town lady, and it's Sunday...didja hit traffic??) We need your name to sell the ticket. That is the way the system works.

Patron 2: Fine, my name is *Smith.

Anastasia: (See, was that so bad? Next time get your ass here on time) Here you are. Enjoy the show.


*names are changed to protect the tardy and inconsiderate

Friends in low places

Another gem from the inside window of the amphitheatre.

Anastasia: Yes, ma'am, how may I help you?

Annoyed Patron: Ugh, yes. The person sitting in front of me is wearing a huge cowboy hat and I can't see. Can you make him take it off?

Anastasia: (OK, freak, you're at a Brooks and Dunn concert. People wear cowboy hats...) I'm sorry ma'am, did you ask him to remove it?

AP: No...but it's really blocking my view (pouts).

Anastasia: (Grow a spine and talk to the guy. It's a freakin' country music concert. Most of the people here are wearing cowboy hats. Didn't you kind of figure...??) I'm sorry ma'am but we don't have any control over the apparel of the concert-goers. As long as he's not hurting anyone there is nothing we can do. You are welcome to talk to him, but we cannot make him remove his hat.

AP: Fine, I'll see if a security guard can help me. Thanks for nothing!!


Save me from the idiots, please!

Breakin' the law

Anastasia: Thank you for calling. How may I help you?

Patron: Um, I missed the Rush concert last month and I was wondering if I could get a refund.

Anastasia: (No, you moron, you don't call a month later asking for a refund). I'm sorry, ma'am, but there is no way to get you a refund for this show. We don't refund for missing a performance.

Patron: But you have to understand what happened! (here we go) I was on my way to the show and I got pulled over by the cops for speeding. When they ran my license they found an outstanding warrant for a missed court appearance and took me to jail (oh my good word) and I had to stay overnight. See, it wasn't my fault I missed the show!

Anastasia: (Uh, yeah, it is your fault, you moron. If you know you have a checkered past, you don't speed and invite the cops to pull you over!) Well, I am sorry to hear that. But I am afraid there is nothing that we can do. The event has been closed out and the money has been settled with the artist.

Patron: Oh, well, ok, I just thought I'd check.

Rock of Love, the early years

So once upon a time, I worked part time in an amphitheatre. I would work shows, and it was fun because it wasn't my regular job and if I smarted off to a patron, they usually didn't realize I was mocking them because they were drunk/high/stupid/all of the above, and if they did notice, the boss wouldn't have fired me and it wouldn't have been the end of the world if she did. One summer, I was working the Poison show...

Patron comes up to the back box office window (one that you can get to once your inside the park). She's petite, bleached, teased, sprayed, leopard clad...you get the gist. She has in tow her 14 year old daughter, who looks like she'd rather die than experience this concert with her mother (and would rather be at an Incubus show). Patron has a small lunch-sized paper bag in her hand.

Patron: Hi! I had a somewhat weird request. Um, I was wondering if I could have this delivered backstage to Brett Michaels. It's a bag of thongs and I wanted him to have them.

Anastasia: (oh, my, goodness...! Seriously?! Just...wow...wow...) I'm sorry ma'am, we don't have access to the backstage area (this is true, btw. Box office peons don't hang with rock stars despite semi-popular belief).

Patron (crestfallen): Oh....really?? Is there anyone there who does? See, because the last time Poison was in town was about 13 years ago and I was supposed to dance for them (oh hell, she was a stripper), but I was pregnant and I couldn't perform (oh good grief! How embarrassed her poor daughter must be right about now!!) and I wanted to give these to him with a note that I was the pregnant girl at the strip club he visited when they came the last time. (Please, no more!!)

Anastasia (managing to keep a straight face through this): Well, the only thing I could tell you is to see if a security guard would be able to take them back for you (and can I watch while you tell them this story?)

Patron: Great!!! I'll try to find one! (scampers off, miserable-looking daughter in tow)

And the entire box office busts out laughing uproariously!!!!

You snooze you lose

Anastasia: Thank you for calling. How may I help you today?

Patron: Yes, I wanted to renew my tickets for the summer series. I'd like to keep my same seats.

Anasasia: We will certainly see what we can do. The renewal period ended a little over a month ago and all unrenewed seats were released at that time, but it is possible that your seats may still be available.

Patron: *big sigh* I threw my renewal form away. I didn't know that the renewal period was over (and this is my fault...how?). I really want my seats back.

Anastasia: I can understand that. However, those seats have been purchased by another patron. For the nights you would like to attend we have these seats that are a few rows back.

Patron: Well, that's just not good for me.

Anastasia: I'm sorry to hear that. However, that is the best we have available.

Patron: (huffs) Fine.

Anastasia: Don't you "fine" me, lady. Get over yourself. You had the opportunity to renew for 3 months. If you can't get your shit together and stay organized, then don't take it out on me because you effed up!! Grow up and get a grip.

Unrealistic expectations

Hot off the telephone, here's today's doozie! I was given this call after the lady tried to rip my little staffer a new one for no apparent cause.

Anastasia: yes, ma'am I understand you were looking for a subscription and seats in the front center section. How may I help you?

Patron (huffy): Yes, I've been a patron since God was a boy (etc.) and I want front row center! I've been trying to get these seats for years and there are always different people in these seats so I know they're not subscribers. I've been a subscriber forever and I WANT THESE SEATS!!

Anastasia: yes, ma'am I understand. However, these seats have been renewed this season by a subscriber. As you know, we have a flexible exchange policy that allows for our subscribers to exchange to different nights if a schedule conflict arises. That may account for the different patrons in those seats on the nights you attended.

Patron: This is ridiculous. I've wanted those seats for years. I asked you people to call me when those seats become available and no one ever does (yeah, let's make that our policy...we'll call every single patron who has "special" requests. We'd never get any work done because we'd spend all of our time calling our patron roster every time someone makes a change). You people don't respect my wishes and it's like talking to a brick wall.

Anastasia: I am sorry you feel this way. Both myself and the other manager are new to this position and we were not aware of your request (yeah lady, sorry our telepathy skills aren't what they should be). We had our renewal period and those seats have been purchased (and by the way, where the hell were you during this time?? Why wouldn't you have called then instead of 6 weeks after seats were released??) But these seats were sold to other patrons.

Patron (more huffing): I'm just never renewing again (I see a hand to the head right about now) *click*

Anastasia: Bitch!! I know you didn't just hang up on me. A blessing upon your house as well!!

Holy sheesh!!

Lost and Found

Anastasia: Thank you for calling ___. My name is Anastasia. How may I help you?

Patron (sounding very sheepish): Yes I was at your performance this past Friday and I lost...well...I lost some money. I was wondering if anyone turned in a large sum of money.

Anastasia: No, ma'am, I'm sorry, nothing has been turned in yet. How large a sum of money was it?

Patron: Well...it was quite a lot...about a thousand dollars. (holy shit lady!) I had it in a roll with a rubber band around it and tucked into my purse. There were about seven $100 bills and some other bills. I had been saving it for some time.

Anastasia: (to self) Are you out of your freaking mind!?!?!?!?! Who the hell carries around $1000 IN CASH rolled up ghetto-style with a rubber band!? Are you some kind of crack dealer? Ever heard of a bank?? (to patron) Well, nothing has been turned in but I'll take your number and check with the front of house manager. If anything is turned in I will give you a call.

Patron: OK, but if you get my machine please don't say you found money. Just ask for me and ask me to call back. I don't want my husband to know I lost this money.

Uh, yeah...what would you do if you found that kind of coin? Me, I'd turn it in, but I believe in karma coming back to bite me in the ass, and it's the right thing to do. I can't vouch for others.

Scenes from my predecessor

We'll call my predecessor Jelly. She really had this happen to her. She told me the story herself.

Patron 1 storms into box office (note to self: always lock box office door, esp. during a show). Patron 1 gets in Jelly's face and is rip roaring mad.

Patron 1: This is preposterous. The man next to me is being loud and inconsiderate. He's laughing at the most serious point of the performance! I can't believe you let this person in here!

Jelly: I'm so sorry, sir, but there's nothing I can do about it. (Long story short) this patron has Tourettes and it makes him emote the opposite emotion at the time. He cannot help it.

Patron 1: Well, I am a doctor in this town and this is just unacceptable. I want him moved away from my seats for the rest of the season!

Jelly (to herself): What a jackass. You'd think a doctor would be more understanding. You sir, are a dick. Be gone, before someone drops a house on you as well!

Telepathy

This one is from over the weekend. We had a musical revue program. The last row in our house is W.

Anastasia: Hello, how many tickets would you like for today?

Little old lady (aka LOL): Yes, I'd like two seats in row K please (this is the center-most row)

Anastasia: Oh, well, we're really full for today's show. The first place I have two together is in row U.

LOL: Oh, that will never do. I can't climb those stairs. The person I spoke with on the phone said that I could buy tickets today and that there were plenty available.

Anastasia: Well, yes ma'am, we have 100+ seats remaining.

LOL: But that's too high. If I'd known they were that high I would have bought them earlier when they were lower

Anastasia: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize we needed to read your mind when you called. When you asked if we'd have seats available at the door, we said we would. We should have psychically read your mind and known that you wanted seats 9 rows closer (which BTW sold out weeks ago). We'll go back to mind reading school right after the show. Buh bye now.

Introduction

After much encouragement from others, I have started a new blog to share some of the absurd instances that have occurred while dealing with customers in the ticketing industry and my internal reactions to the situations. Some are mean, some are sad, some are just stupid, but overall, they are damn funny! I'm not going to post them all at once, so check back frequently for both new and historic tales from ticketing hell. Enjoy!